


Reconsider

by casecous



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Angst, Canon Disabled Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Frottage, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Post-TPP, Reunion, Reunion Sex, The Phantom Pain, tpp spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-27 14:41:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5052589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casecous/pseuds/casecous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>No matter what has happened, no matter who's to blame, there'll never be another who can make me feel the same.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by [nad](http://archiveofourown.org/users/gokkyun) to practice writing lewd, so I combined it with some other stuff and I've honestly been working on this for so long, I feel like my eyes are going to fall out if I read it one more time.  
> First chapter is me trying to make sense of what happened in TPP lol and second chapter is me trying to end my suffering with happier Foxhound headcanons.  
>   
> Implied things include that Kaz's eyes heal from whatever is wrong with them, either over time or with surgery, and also that a lot more is going on with Foxhound besides BB and Kaz falling back in love, but this fic isn't about that. Don't ask me about the timeframe of Ch. 2 or how often, because I don't know.  
> Slaps an AU sticker on everything and calls it a day.

The crashing of the waves lulls him in and out of sleep while he waits. He’ll probably burn, but the sun is a warm blanket on his arms and legs that he doesn’t want to remove. _Plus I look good._ He stretches to release some of the tension in his aching muscles from sparring yesterday and breathes in the salty air with a smile. 

“I’ve been waiting for you, Boss,” he says when he feels Snake walk up behind him. 

He opens his eyes to turn around and look at him but is distracted by the lack of sand on the couch he’s lying on. A sunbeam falls warm across his face through the window and the room is empty save for him and the impatient ring of the phone that must have woken him up. He rubs his eyes underneath his sunglasses with one hand, trying to shake the memory before grabbing his cane and lifting himself off the couch toward the desk.

“Miller here.”

The silence is punctuated with a barely audible breath and his heart drops to his stomach. 

“Hello?” he tries again, afraid to hear the result. Something in him just knows. Their minds and bodies had always been in tune with each other; in sync with a sort of rhythmic push and pull, except now the pull is stronger and his legs feel nailed to the ground while he’s toppling head first into it. Unpleasant is putting it lightly.

“Hey, Kaz.” The voice sounds tired, but the same as all those years ago.

His skin prickles and flushes hot with anger and the receiver could shatter in his hand if he crushed it any tighter. _If he could just fucking reach through the phone…_ He clears his throat to talk over the lump in it, but his jaw feels too tight.

“Snake.” The word is sharp and rusty across his lips. “You can’t do this. Not now.” His voice turns desperate when there’s no response. “You can’t just fucking call and make everything fine!”

“I know,” Snake reassures him. “I know. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

He’s thrown off by the unexpected words. “I-,” _Had so many things to tell you. I kept saving them all up in the back of my head for /when/, and when never came and now I forget them all._ Kaz lets out a shaky breath and his muscles soften marginally. “It’s…good to hear yours too.” Because it’s not the same as the phantom’s and it never will be. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. In the long silences between them, his heart thumps dully against his chest. He wishes it would stop. _Where are you? I waited for you._

“Look I know you well enough to know that this can never be fixed, but some things are bigger than us. I needed you there, Kaz.”

“Go to hell. Nothing could have stopped the two of us. And you threw everything away that we worked for, everything that we built. I’m just collateral damage to you now. You used me.”

“No…” Snake utters softly with surprise. “Kaz, you know- you were never _just_ anything... You were always more. I never meant to hurt you.”

Kaz finally laughs, bitter and derisive. Though Snake’s words sound genuine, any trust and intimacy between them is gone now, so maybe he’s just deluding himself. This could be another hoax.

“Listen. I…I loved you, Kaz. I still do. I always will.”

The words race around in his head and he doesn’t want to hear them, because it’s better to be angry than confused and hurt. _How long has it been for you? You don’t even know me anymore._

“What am I supposed to do with that?” his voice cracks.

Snake sighs, “I don’t know. Whatever you want. My word probably doesn’t mean anything to you anymore, but it’s all I can give. You know as well as anyone that life doesn’t always work out the way you plan. They stopped us twice before, it would have happened again. We have to play our roles. You know that or you wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing.”

He won’t admit to that. Not to him. “They moved you. Zero moved you and he wouldn’t tell me where you were. If I had been there, would this have been different?” A beat of silence. “Don’t answer that, it doesn’t matter.” Kaz closes his eyes to try to calm more before continuing. “I keep dreaming-“ he pauses, his hand shaking. “I keep thinking. I’ll wake up next to you and you’ll tell me it was all just a bad dream. It’ll be you, not _him._ I see your goddamn ghost every day, I still feel your hands and every part of you-“

“Kaz…”

“-but I haven’t seen you in so long…you don’t feel real anymore. Is that crazy? Is it crazy that I hate your fucking guts and I want you to come home? I don’t even know where that is anymore.”

“That’s fair,” Snake concedes quietly. “I’m sorry it has to be like this.”

 _It doesn’t. You asshole._ His heart thumps louder and white noise floods his ears. The world must be on fire and he’s burning up with it. _If only._

“Take care of yourself, okay?” 

Kaz swallows. “Yeah.” He squeezes his eyes shut to stop them from burning. The line clicks and the phone makes a horrible crash of breaking plastic against the wall.


	2. Chapter 2

“I hate you,” Kaz challenges, like he means it. 

His eyes are hard behind the tint of his sunglasses, but his pulse jumps and he doesn’t retreat when Snake begins to take steps forward. His boots thump against the tile, slow and steady, until he occupies the blonde’s airspace, tilting his head so the sides of their noses _almost_ touch. He glances down at Kaz’s full lips and back up to meet his eyes. Kaz’s heart pounds like a bass drum against his ribs and Snake presses a palm to his chest, as if to calm it, as if his heart isn’t doing the same thing. His thumb traces the line of his collarbone through his shirt; the pressure of it is slight at first, growing more firm with confidence when Kaz still doesn’t protest. Kaz’s chest tingles under his touch. It’s been so long, he doesn’t have any right to touch him like he’s his, but he doesn’t want him to stop.

“Yeah,” Snake accepts, like he believes it. 

And in an instant, his face moves up and his lips crash onto Kaz’s. Their noses smash against each other’s cheeks in the collision and Kaz lets a noise of needy surprise slip that gets muffled by Snake’s lips. Every thought in his head contradicts itself, he doesn’t understand how, doesn’t understand why; all he knows is that he _wants_. And because some things are already written in history, because the body remembers, he surrenders, eyelids fluttering shut and lips forming into a return kiss like a reflex. Their mouths open to deepen the kiss and they press their tongues together, eager to be reminded of what each other tastes like, not afraid that it will be too sharp. Snake tries to press in closer – _never close enough, wanting to feel every part of him for the first time again_ – his hand moves around to the back of Kaz’s head and Kaz makes those soft noises into his mouth like he used to. His heart expands at the sound, a gentle reminder of how it feels to be so in love with someone that there aren’t words to describe, that your chest aches with it. 

The air is thick around them as their mouths continue to explore each other, tongues sliding against each other desperately and it’s heavy; full of dusty memories and years lost. Kaz almost feels 28 years old again and it burns; the kind of flame that destroys the entire forest overnight only to restore new growth in the morning. Heat pools in his belly and spreads to his groin, but their pants dampen the feeling of being hard against each other, and it’s too much already. Kaz aches for Snake to reach his hand down just a little farther to rub him through his pants, and he makes a frustrated noise as his own hand fumbles to take off Snake’s jacket. Their lips break contact as Snake shrugs it off the rest of the way and it falls to the floor with a familiar soft thud of heavy fabric. Kaz unbuckles his own belt with shaky fingers and pulls out his shirt halfway while Snake lifts his arms overhead to take off his own. In an instant, their lips draw back to each other like magnets for an impatient kiss and Snake’s fingertips graze the smooth skin of Kaz’s chest and stomach as he begins to unfasten each of the buttons of his shirt. 

The shirt eventually joins the jacket on the floor and Snake hoists Kaz up by his ass, his legs wrapping around Snake’s waist, causing them groan at the added pressure, and Kaz shifts his hips so they rub harder against each other through their pants.

“ _Kaz,_ ” Snake grunts, stumbling slightly from the contact while walking them to bed, and the tightness in Kaz’s groin grows at his wrecked voice, but they make it, years of practice paid off, and Kaz falls beneath him, blonde hair scattered into a beautiful mess on the pillow. Kaz pushes up his chin eagerly to meet Snake halfway for another deep kiss. He makes another frustrated noise when it’s cut short as Snake reluctantly pulls away to tug off their boots- it’s impossible to get their clothes off fast enough and Kaz wants so badly to just tell him ‘fuck it’ and pull him back up so they can get just each other off through their pants. Snake returns halfway to unbutton Kaz’s pants, grazing his hardness with in the process, and Kaz groans as his hips buck upward involuntarily for more. He lifts his hips as Snake hooks four of his fingers under the waistbands of his briefs and his pants and pulls them the rest of the way off, leaving him spread naked on the sheets save for his sunglasses. He throbs, deep red and erect, and he aches to touch himself, just to get more of the pressure and movement he’s desperate for, but he resists. Once Snake has his own pants off, he returns to the end of the bed and slows. He wraps his hand around Kaz’s right ankle, the crease between his thumb and index finger against his Achilles tendon, and lifts it to chin height. Kaz watches with dark eyes as he presses his lips gently to the inside pressure point of his ankle and drags them up the inside of his leg, to his knee, and presses another kiss there. Snake’s mustache and beard tickle as they brush the hair on his legs and every nerve in his body is alight. 

Snake places his leg gently back down on the bed as he loses leverage, and he wraps his opposite hand above Kaz’s left knee and _grips_ , while his lips continue their slow travel upward to the inside of his right thigh. Kaz’s breath grows heavier and he subconsciously spreads his legs further apart under Snake’s hands as he kisses the inside of his thigh. His length twitches and grows harders when Snake kisses the crease of his groin, and he makes a strangled sound as Snake’s nose nudges the base of it. He feels his lips turn into the smile against his skin and then disappear when he moves upward to plant an infuriatingly slow kiss against Kaz’s stomach…He moves again, their bodies grazing each other, and presses another against his smooth chest. Snake kisses the pulse point on his neck, drags his lips to the curve of his jaw, so close to the corner of his parted lips, and then he pulls away to hover over him, one knee in-between his thighs. Their bodies don’t quite touch, but Kaz can feel the brush of his coarse body hair and craves more contact.

Kaz looks up at Snake as he brushes a few stray blonde hairs, damp with sweat, off his forehead and he curls his hand into a half circle and glides it up Snake’s right arm from his wrist to his bicep, feeling every curve and indentation of each muscle and how they strain to hold himself up. The moonlight pours in, casting shadows from the window on Kaz’s face and reflecting off the beads of sweat on their skin causing them to glow. The words _I missed you, I love you_ speed through Snake’s brain to the tip of his tongue, but he doesn’t have any right to say it and he doesn’t want to reopen old wounds. Not when they’ve come this far.

“Can I?” he murmurs instead, his thumb brushing Kaz’s cheekbone. Kaz swallows thickly before nodding.

Snake shifts his weight onto his elbows before sliding off Kaz’s sunglasses. Kaz’s blue eyes, guarded but desperate, never leave his as he places the glasses gently on the nearby nightstand.

“Kiss me again,” Kaz orders, his voice steady though his heart beats otherwise.

Snake doesn’t. Not yet. He just wants to look at him for this moment, because whatever happens, he wants to at least have this. A new memory to store along with the old. A pair of boots echo down the hallway, voices murmuring softly until they fade, and Kaz breathes beneath him.

“Kiss me again,” he urges, his voice rising at the end before turning desperate. “Boss, I need-“

Snake’s lips are on his before he can finish and Kaz cries out in pleasure as his body follows the descent, trapping Kaz’s length against his stomach and against his own hardness. They begin to move rhythmically with each other and everything drifts into familiar blur; the musky smell of their sweat, their legs tangled together and the vibration under their skin from their bodies resonating perfectly, with heated breaths and soft groans as they make each other fall apart. Kaz has been waiting for this moment for goddamn years, and he’s dreamt of this for who knows how many times that it doesn’t feel real. Except a solid body against him reminds him that it is. Snake touches him in all the right places with reverent lips and calloused fingers, making him feel whole again in a way he didn’t think possible. Making him unable to focus on anything except the feel of Snake as his mind blanks in unadulterated bliss. His heart could burst with the warmth of it and he wants to yell, but it comes out as choked when Snake takes them both in his hand and begins to rub upward in controlled motions while they move against each other. He always loved Snake’s hands. Strong and steady and- _god_ , the friction is _incredible_. His hand grips the sheets and his chin pushes upward as his head falls back with the heat of it, exposing more of his throat for Snake’s lips to take advantage of. 

It’s so familiar that Kaz’s feels his right fingertips dance on Snake’s skin, feels his hand follow the curve of his back to his firm butt and squeeze it, and he wishes he could make Snake feel it in return. His voice murmurs near his ear, winded and soft and Snake feels the vibration of it on his lips. “After all these years….” His eyes flutter closed as his hips thrust upward against Snake’s and into his hand, “…you still feel the same.” Snake’s teeth graze the spot on his neck that he first marked with his lips as he strokes them. “ _ngh_...You still make me feel, the same.”

Warmth spreads further and deeper through Snake’s veins at Kaz’s words and his mouth is on his again before he can think. He moves his hand to grip Kaz’s hip for better leverage and Kaz combs his fingers through Snake’s hair, pushing it back out of his face and intertwining his fingers in it at the back of his head. His eyes roll back when Snake’s dick falls between his legs and the hard tip presses against his hole every time he rolls his hips forward. It’s too much, he’s so close-and then Snake’s hand is back around around them both. The soft grunts and heavy breathing of their exertion fill the otherwise quiet room as they continue to rub against each other; the heat and pressure dizzying them. 

Kaz’s movements become more erratic and Snake starts to lose his rhythm, but his grip stays firm. They catch each other’s eyes, pupils blown, as their hips move more frantically. “gh-, I, got you, Kaz,” he manages before Kaz pulls him down by his hair to kiss him again. Their tongues intertwine more urgently until Kaz topples over the edge first, coming with a groan into Snake’s mouth and his hand still twisted in Snake’s hair, and Snake follows, groaning in unison. Kaz sucks in a breath and Snake grunts as he rubs the resulting sticky wetness around them and rocks them through the last lazier movements of them coming down. Snake rests his forehead on Kaz’s and they still except for the beating of their hearts against each other, _for each other_ , and the slowing rise and fall of their chests.

Eyes closed, Kaz breathes him in and thinks, _This will never happen again. It can’t._ He can’t afford to get his hopes up again. Tonight would feel like a mistake if didn’t make so much sense of everything. Snake, oblivious to his thoughts, captures his lips in another kiss, and their tongues move languidly in sated desire before Snake gets up to find a towel.

His body is a hard line again Kaz’s side as he dries them off with gentle hands and asks, “How long do you want me to stay?” And well, isn’t that a loaded question years late. He doesn’t answer, because ‘How long do you want to stay?’ isn’t one.

 _Forever, you promised,_ drifts through his thoughts, but he ignores it. He falls asleep with Snake’s arm draped across his ribs and his face buried into his neck, and wakes to an empty bed, with sore muscles and messy sheets as the only evidence of last night.

\---

It does happen again. Kaz is inside him as Snake comes apart beneath him. He’d say until he came apart too, but the truth it that he was gone the moment they got the angle right. The bad part is that now he’s the one who has to decide when to leave when it’s over and the worst part is that it doesn’t even feel like revenge. 

It happens again and again. Like they never even tried to resist, like they could. He loses count around 9.

Eventually, Snake stays all night. Kisses him awake like a benediction, with the sunlight streaming in the window and says, “Good morning.” 

(You happen to me again and again, always.)

\---

“This makes me miss your curry.”

Kaz remembers being very young and his mom teaching him to cook. Telling him, _‘Kazuhira, this is very important. Your wife will know she is going to marry you when you cook for her.’_ He remembers the first time Snake tried his cooking and said with big grin and a mouth full of food, _‘Oh, a man after my own heart.’_

He pushes the memories away and puts his hand on his heart. “I’m touched,” he comments sarcastically, “that it takes mediocre cafeteria food to do that. You should miss my curry during every meal that isn’t it.” 

“Yeah, well.” Snake says softly like maybe he does and the smirk drops from Kaz’s face. “It wasn’t that good..”

“Asshole,” Kaz mutters, stabbing his food and trying on a smile again that Snake returns. It’s almost like old times, enough to make him wonder if they keep it up. If they can be happy again.

One dinner turns into two, two turns into three, three into four, and he loses count all over again. 

Kaz feels warm and safe and whole, like the ground in spring after a harsh winter, but a voice nags at him sometimes, _you don’t deserve to be happy and that’s why this is a lie. You can’t forgive and forget._

\---

It’s around sunset, bathing the room in dark orange and red. Kaz traces the scar on Snake’s abdomen without meeting his eyes. He hasn’t thought it in a while, but the finality is stifling. They both can feel it. _This was the last time._

“Heard you’re leaving soon.”

He hears the implied question of _'when were you going to tell me?'_ and the corners of his mouth curl downward imperceptibly, but he still doesn’t look up. “Yeah. The divorce is final. Bought a house with a bunch of land in Alaska...” He pauses, his fingers still tracing the scar distractedly. “Secluded,” he adds, like throwing a ball up in the air to see if he’ll catch it.

“Secluded?” Snake asks. It hangs.

Kaz looks him hard in the eye and his finger stills. His voice sounds like a challenge, “You trusted me to keep your secrets once before. Would you do it again?”

Snake brushes his fingers against his. “Always,” he answers and the softness of it surprises Kaz. “I trust you more than anyone.”

They stare at each other with their fingers grazing idly, waiting for the other to speak first. 

“What about your daughter?”

“Not an excuse if you’re looking for one.”

“That’s not an answer.” 

“I wouldn’t be asking if I hadn’t determined that it would be fine.”

“Asking what?” Snake counters, but Kaz just stiffens in response.

“You know what.”

“If I say no, would you be waiting for me?”

Kaz’s almost smirks, but he’s too tired. “Isn’t that what I always do?” 

He feels the easy let down coming and he steels himself for it. It was stupid to ask in the first place, stupid to even entertain the thought that they could be together again and happy. Really _together_ , not just whatever is going on now or even less. He wants him to come home.

“Kaz…” Snake says, seeing the battle going on behind his eyes and lifting his fingertips to the blonde’s cheek in comfort.

“Don’t,” his voice breaks, but he doesn’t push him away.

Snake leans forward to cup his face in his hands and press a _‘yes’_ to his lips. “I’m all yours.” Their noses brush and Kaz’s bright eyes stare up at him with cautious hopefulness. “Just the two of us?” Snake extends like an old invitation and Kaz kisses him again with his mouth turned up at the corners.


End file.
